Red flags in a relationship can be a warning, or a signal that everything is not as it seems (1). It could be that behaviours don’t add up, lies are told, or a feeling that something is not the same in your relationship as in others. Lots of Women Partners clients talk about having a sense that something doesn’t add up in their relationship, and when they find out about their partner’s sexuality, things make more sense.
This is not a full list of Red Flags that may occur in a relationship if the husband’s sexuality, or sexual behavior is attracted to men. Your relationship is unique as are the red flags you may see. Nor does this list mean that if your partner is engaging in this behaviour, that he is gay or having sex with other men.
1. He is homophobic. Often if someone is not comfortable with their own sexuality or sexual identity, they can express this with disgust and hatred to those who are comfortable with their sexuality. Again, this does not mean that everyone who is homophobic is gay themselves, but for some people, it can be a red flag that they are not comfortable with their own sexuality.
2. Secrets! Changing password on his phone, clearing search history on computer or phone, not allowing access to phone, ensuring you keep different hours or schedules so that they have time where you aren’t around, you catch him out in many lies.
3. He watches gay porn.
4. Active avoidance of intimate or sexual connection with you – going to bed early or pretending to go to sleep when you come in, getting up early in the morning before you are awake, or making up excuses for not having sex with you.
5. Limited emotional intimacy and connection between you and partner
6. Different schedule to you – getting up early or staying up, which could be to talk to people on Grindr or male hook up sites, or watching gay pornography.
7. Having Grindr or male up hook up apps
8. He flirts with other men, checks out men and doesn’t comment on women’s bodies or appearance (as other men may), he has an endless list of new male friends or spends quality with one man in particular
9. Impact on you – your gut instinct tells you that something is not right but you can’t explain it. You also experience unexplained health issues such as migraines, stomach issues such as nausea from the stress of the relationship
10. Finding scripts for medication, or medication itself, for PrEP which prevents HIV transmission.
It’s always important to follow your gut instinct, and Women Partner’s encourage women to, if safe, to have a conversation with their partner about the concerns they have.
These Red Flags are taken from lived experience from Women Partners clients, both current and from commonalities from published Women Partner’sbook “There’s something I have to tell you.” (2)
1) Merriam Dictionary. Red Flags. 2024 (cited 17Dec 2024). Available from: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/red-flag
2) Women Partners of Men who have Sex with Men. HisSecret, Her Story. Available from:https://www.womenpartners.org.au/information-centre/theres-something-i-have-to-tell-you
