Let’s start by exploring what is a safe, equal and respectful relationship. According to the Duluth Equality Wheel (1) respect, trust, honesty and accountability, fairness and negotiation, and safety are the foundations of a good relationship. Equal access to money and finances, and equal opinion on where money is spent is also part of this. Having a fair balance of housework and parenting responsibilities are also part of a respectful relationship. Disagreements and differences of opinion are handled without fear, violence or coercion, and whilst the situation may become tense, nobody is afraid for their wellbeing during these moments. (2)
Opposite to this, is a relationship based on power and control tactics, coercion and abuse. Why is this important to raise for Women Partners of Men who have Sex with Men? Some clients of Women Partners report experiencing domestic and family violence, including coercive control. Duluth’s Power and Control Wheel (2) explains what unhealthy and abusive relationships can look like, including physical abuse, intimidation and threats of harm to the woman, to self, animals, and children.
Financial Control
Some Women Partners clients report that they have limited or no access to finances, have no financial independence and no ability to get their own income source, rely on “allowances”, have no retirement funds as they were homemakers, unable to get employment due to their age and limited work history. This financial control can keep women in relationships that are not safe or respectful, and women can feel they have very limited choice but to remain in the relationship for financial survival. As some Women Partners clients have given up their jobs, incomes and careers to become wives, homemakers and mothers, the opportunity for financial abuse is strong (3). The fears around financial wellbeing is not just limited to Women Partners clients, as many women fear leaving their partner because of the financial impact, but in a safe relationship, this fear is not used against the woman to keep her in the relationship.
The use of male privilege in making big decisions for family, not allowing other opinions or input into family decision making, deciding on gender roles is often seen within Women Partners clients. This can be used to keep women silent and not speak about her experiences as a Woman Partner, which can make the isolation, shame and stigmatisation she is experiencing even greater. There is very big difference between a man choosing when and how he ‘outs’ his sexuality, versus power and control tactics to keep his story hidden, and his wife isolated and alone. The intention behind the actions are very different.
Emotional abuse:
Emotional abuse, mind games and gaslighting can also be experiences for Women Partners. Emotional abuse includes humiliating, name calling, putting someone down and making them feel bad about themselves, ignoring someone, silent treatment and withholding affection (2, 4). Gaslighting is a psychological and emotionally abusive tactic that can often be used in changing, denying or manipulating the truth to cause the other person to doubt themselves, their memory and their experiences (4). This can occur with statements such as “that’s not what happened” or “nobody will believe you”. This results in the person not trusting in themselves. In the context of Women Partners, this can be making a woman feel unlovable, blaming them for his sexual activity, or shaming wife for her sexual desires. All these behaviour scan fit into the category of coercive control, which are behaviours that are repeated, intentional, continuous and often hard to identity (5). Controlling behaviours are also very important to be mindful of which can include monitoring where you are, who you see, tracking your location, monitoring you and your activities, and high levels of criticism and jealousy (6). Some ways in which Women Partner’s clients report controlling behaviours including partner threatening self-ham if their sexuality is disclosed, or using children as a barrier to relationship breakdown by custody threats or reducing ability to financially provide for children.
Women Partners counselling can help you untangle what is respectful and safe relationship behaviours, or what is coercive and controlling behaviours, and is a safe place for you to unpack the impacts of this. Remember, there is a very big intentional difference between behaviours designed to keep you within someone’s power and control, including not disclosing their sexual behaviour and identity, versus someone struggling with their sexual identity and feeling scared about disclosing it to their loved ones.
You are not alone. We are here to work with you to unpack, and support, your lived experience.
References:
1) Safer Futures. Equality Wheel. 2019. Available from: https://saferfutures.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Equality-Wheel.pdf0partner
2) Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. Understanding the Power and Control Wheel. Available from: https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/
3) Daly SC, MacNeela P, Sarma KM. The female spouse: A process of separation when a husband ’comes out’ as gay. 2018 (cited2024 July 30). PLoS ONE 13(8). Available from: https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.020347
4) NSW Government. What are the signs of coercive control? 2024 (cited 2024 Aug 14).Available from: https://www.nsw.gov.au/family-and-relationships/coercive-control/what-are-the-signs
5) Respect Victoria. Coercive Control, Non-physical violence and relationship red flags. 2024 (cited 2024 Aug 14). Available from: https://www.respectvictoria.vic.gov.au/coercive-control-non-physical-violence-and-relationship-red-flags
6) National Legal Service. Recognizing the difference between love and controlling behaviours in relationships: Warning Signs. 2024 (cited 2024 Aug 20). Available from:https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/love-and-controlling-behaviour/
